The Trouble With Lichen

This morning my super Optrel Solarmatic welding helmet arrived. So, assuming it works properly [not tried it in anger yet] I’m almost fully tooled up for many a forthcoming bout with Herman.

Abovementioned helmet arrived with postie at half bloody seven on a Saturday morning! Methinks the post office are running some extra shifts to cope with the backlog caused by the snows of last week - coz my drill came at about six o’clock last night.

Anyway - today, after a bit of random tinkering and firing Herman up and letting the engine run for about an hour to get the juices flowing. I embarked on the cleaning task I’ve been dreading; namely giving the roof a ‘brisk rubdown with a wet flannel’. I thought it looked pretty grotty seen from the distance of my upstairs balcony, but when I climbed up there [via a wheelie bin, for lack of a ladder] I found a landscape like that of an alien planet. The whole roof was covered in green lichen and dotted with mysterious round black ‘beings’ which, given a few more millennia might have evolved into sentient lifeforms.

Unfortunately for this nascent civilisation, their god [in this case me] is a jealous god and lo he did smite them and with hot water, sugar soap and a pan scrubber from the kitchen, did cast them asunder. And there was much wailing and gnashing of whatever passes for teeth if you’re a lump of lichen.

And two hundred and forty minutes did The Lord scrub.
And three hours did he scrape and the lichen and the mysterious round black lifeforms were cast into the outer darkness and light did shine upon the face of the half of the roof that The Lord could reach.
And The Lord looked upon that half of the roof and saw that it was good. And The Lord sayeth unto himself “Fuckin Hell! - that was a ball-ache of a job. I’m off indoors for a spam, cheese & pepper sauce butty - and a nice bottle of Ruddle’s County!”

Meanwhile back on earth a tiny smurf was spotted, scrubbing valiantly away at the gluey remnants of that fecking lettering on Herman’s side - which is still not completely gone!