Roofhog Day [2]

Yes. I know what you’re thinking:

‘He’s already used that ‘Roofhog Day’ title before. He must be completely bereft of ideas!’

Au contraire - dear reader. Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact that I’ve used this title before and have nevertheless chosen to use it again is actually an indication of my collossal wit - a wit that works on so many levels it may be mistaken, by the ill-educated, for a lack of originality and imagination.

Now, speaking of originality, gather round and I’ll tell you an interesting story about ‘sanding and painting’. Eyelid matchsticks will be handed out in a moment and my hired heavies will be on standby with cattle prods at the ready - for anyone careless enough to fall asleep at the exciting bits.

Having discovered that Herman’s roof had been painted by ‘blahhhdy cahhhboys, innit’’ and would therefore have to be stripped down and done again, you’ll remember that we left our hero retiring, wet and bedraggled, to the pavilion on Wednesday afternoon, after ‘rain stopped play’. Thursday brought more of the same delightful weather, so we fast forward to Friday morning to find our intrepid hero balanced at the top of the cheapest ricketiest step ladder B&Q had to offer for £21 [It’s amazing what they can make out of recycled tinfoil these days!]. Armed with his heatgun and trying to remove from Herman’s roof the vestiges of black paint that had refused to succumb to the attentions of the paint scraper.

It's actually quite therapeutic, using the heat gun to roll off the old paint, like chewing gum
It's actually quite therapeutic, using the heat gun to roll off the old paint, like chewing gum

After about an hour of heating, glooping and scraping, I had most of the side panel of the roof down to what looked like the original paintwork, or perhaps a plastic coating over the fibreglass. Whatever it was, it was very smooth and a slightly creamy colour. It was so smooth in fact that I spent another hour, giving it a good going over with a sanding block, just to roughen it up a bit. I then brushed it down with a scrubbing brush to get rid of the dust and wiped it all over with a rag soaked in white spirit. If the paint disnae stick this time after that amount of preparation, I’m giving up and letting the fecker stay white!

Herman's gutter full of crusty burnt off paint
Herman's gutter full of crusty burnt off paint
Gutters picked clean. Roof sanded, scrubbed and white spirited, ready to try again
Gutters picked clean. Roof sanded, scrubbed and white spirited, ready to try again

Since the Hammerite proved to be so rubbish on fibreglass, I thought I’d try something different this time. So while I was at B&Q buying my risibly feeble stepladder, I picked up a tin of black gloss Sandtex. It didnae specifically say it was for use on fibreglass on the tin, but it did say ‘wood and metal’ so that’s good enough for me! The Sandtex also had the advantages of being five quid a tin cheaper than Hammerite and having a picture of a lighthouse on the tin, which obviously means that, as far as paint goes, it’s as hard as fuck and will kick the crap out of Herman’s roof if it tries any funny business like rejecting the paint’s sticky embraces.

Sandtex.  it must be hard, coz it's got a lighthouse on the tin!
Sandtex. it must be hard, coz it's got a lighthouse on the tin!

By end of play, I’d managed to repaint that side of the roof and also about halfway across the top. I’m going to need a new tin of Sandtex tho’, as I’ve used about two-thirds of the tin just doing that much. I actually quite like the look of the Sandtex. It dries a lot glossier than the Hammerite and makes Herman throw off some interesting reflections. Maybe I should have just used Sandtex in the first place. It would certainly have saved a few bob.

Still, before I get too enthusiastic, let’s see what the morrow brings. I’ll probably go out there in the morning and find it all peeling like the wang of a masturbating leper [to coin a phrase!]

Finished. Now stay on this time!
Finished. Now stay on this time!
Meta TAGS: paintingroof
ORIGINAL PUBLICATION DATE: 20 Feb 2009
AUTHOR: stíobhart matulevicz