Black Box Recordings

Today was one of those one ‘no steps forward and several steps back’ days.

I noticed that, after my shenanigans, pissing about with the steering column the other day, I had no electrics at all. Not even a cheery red light on the dashboard when I turned on the ignition. So I spent the best part of the day hoking round the wiring for the ignition circuit and checking my fuses, before I eventually resorted to removing the dashboard to be better able to follow the ignition wiring and see if anything was amiss.

Dashboard removed, I found a possible cause for my troubles and an explanation for the fact that Herman makes a series of beeping noises after his ignition key is removed; there was an immobiliser secreted behind the dashboard. Obviously not a factory job, it looked like it had been fitted by Stevie Wonder. The wires in the ignition circuit had been hacked apart, the immobiliser crudely wired in and the whole lot crappily wound with elctrical tape, which was hanging off in places. There were also several wires emerging from the immobiliser which were just snipped off and didnae go anywhere.

Hiding behind the dashboard - an 'unnanounced feature'
Hiding behind the dashboard - an 'unnanounced feature'

As regular readers of this shite will know, I’m extremely mistrustful of other people’s wiring in my motors. I’m not making any claims to be a great auto electrician, but at least I only do what I know how to do and I make sure that the connections are well made and well wrapped. So I spent a good half hour or so, painstakingly removing the immobiliser from Herman’s ignition system and temporarily splicing the wires back they way they would originally have been. Unfortunately, when I tried the key again, Herman was still - electrically speaking - as dead as a dodo.

I was just on my way back up to the house, to grab a bottle of Guinness Export and think things over for a bit when, on a whim, I decided to check the battery. Now, I know you’re probably thinking “Why the feck didn’t you test the battery first, you eejit?”

Well, dear reader. The reason I didnae check the battery first was because it’s a new heavy duty battery only a couple of weeks old and, as I havenae been running the van I assumed it was fully charged [Yes - I know ‘To assume makes an ass of U and me’. Dinnae feckin’ get smart with me, boy!]. Anyway, lo and behold, I had 2,9 pissy volts in the battery. So something had run the fucker into the ground in the couple of weeks or so it’s been since I last turned Herman’s motor over.

So, it was out with the battery and onto the charger with it for a good overnight trickle charge. Let’s see if actually having the full 12 volts at his disposal, instead of just under three, will inspire Herman to spring back into action once more!

I almost forgot:

I got Herman insured today - £330,16 from the Post Office, who I’ve got my existing insurance with. I’ve also about £60 refund due back for the cancellation of GULG’s insurance - which I’ll get without any cancellation fee, since I’ve transferred straight to a new policy - so that works out a pretty good deal. The best quote I’d got from the various online comparison websites was £357. I said to mazza, when I put GULG on eBay, that I’d be happy if we made enough on him to cover Herman’s insurance and tax. So we probably just about got there. I’m not going to tax him til the end of the month tho’, since there’s no point giving the taxman his pound of flesh for the whole month, when it’s half over already.